Two years ago, I wrote this...
December 2008
... It just happened. Life happens. We make our plans and move through them, and then changes come our way. And perhaps we need to make adjustments and perhaps things aren't as clear as we'd like. That is life, and life happens. I want to be where things are happening… that is, life.
And so, life continues to happen. One step at a time. And I am living it.
December 2009
I’m not really there yet. I know it is not up to me. But I think my heart is not ready to leave. At the end of the day, I think I am afraid I will become an “alien” back in Canada… because we have changed in our year here. But then again, I’m reminded that in reality, I am an alien to this world. One step at a time.
Sometimes I have glimmers of “everything is going to be okay.” But whenever I think of the people here, I get glimmers of deep sadness because our friendships here have been so strangely welcoming and deep and intense in such a short period of time.
Well, bottom line, I am good to go wherever… yes, I am.
December 31, 2009
Father, thank You for being Lord of the years; of each moment that passes through our lives. You see and oversee. You bring things together and set them apart. You deliver mercy time and time again. Your love has no end. We are so insignificant yet You call us Your beloved. And so another year passes under Your care and provision, Your plan and protection. Teach me to count my days. Teach me to make my days count.
September 2009
Pretty much one year to the day that our settle lives in Toronto started to go through shades of change and days of uncertainty, we seem to be, oddly, in a similar place again... but I’m just starting to take root here and have really grown to love this place, and especially all the people.
How quickly we settle; how easily we claim what is on loan to us as our rightful own! For me, a reminder from God… a hard, hard lesson of learning and remembering to let go… Because here I am, really quite unwilling to do just that.
October 2009
So it is official that Edward's job will be eliminated. Timeline, don’t know. Next steps, not sure. Implications, potentially huge… And of course, I’m hugely sad at the possibility that we may need to leave. But devastated and depressed at what lies ahead, I am not. Much as I don’t wish all this to be happening, … yet I am fully convinced of God’s leading from season to season. I muck about and try to live life to the fullest while my season is here. And I really don’t know how long each season will last. But I am grateful beyond words for this current one.
I have been so grateful for the love that has come from the folks at Missio Dei. Even as we wait to find out what is next, so many have stepped out and offered so much and prayed and encouraged. And much as I know their wish is for us to stay, if we should go, I know we go with their blessings and friendship and prayers.
Literally living one day at a time, without a plan for the days ahead… just waiting, again, for the next “steps” to take. Disconcerting, yet somehow strangely feeling “safe” in all of it. My God… I will find my rest, my mercy, and my life in my God. You know the way ahead. You will lead.
July 2009
Taking Root. It’s happening here… slowly but surely. I like being in Portland. It has been a good change. I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin in a while new environment.
April 9, 2009
What a pity it would be if we never took risks in life… if everyday was the same, mundane and routine, safe and predictable… if our hearts never felt the rush of that inevitable roller coaster drop that comes with risks and stepping out. Or perhaps we take risks only after we are 100% sure that nothing will go wrong – a safe risk; a sure bet… at the end, not really a risk at all at.
And so it is. I think Portland is a stepping out. So many unknowns that could have freaked out. So many learnings and dealings with that could have discouraged. But we press on, and in the process, I feel we have been so blessed by the people around us and the new experiences… and by being able to see puzzle pieces and parts come together.
At the same time, I am convinced that taking risks, stepping out, feeling that rush of exhilaration mixed with fear, begins not in the big, but in the small. Stepping out in baby steps. Not everyone will be led to "move to Portland", but all can “risk” a new friendship, a smile at a stranger, a donation, time spent with someone… all these are “risks”. All these enrich our lives. All these stretch us and allow us to celebrate God’s faithfulness in His leading.
March 2009
I am glad to be here, this despite the fact that I still cannot see, nor can I even begin to imagine what my role will look like here. I almost think if I "do" nothing else but be an encouragement for a few of the folks, then so be it, while my time here lasts.
It’s a strange feeling, this lack of “needing” to work. All around me, people are losing their jobs and needing to find work. Not in my case. And I am ever so conscious of that fact. God is gracious and merciful in our lives. I really do need to be mindful and a good steward of all that has been given – for me, my home, and my time.
I’m thankful for the community we’ve found at Missio Dei. God has given us a group of people to care and be cared for. I’m glad we’ve been able to just jump in, in big and small ways. It’s been a good thing for me… and humbling.
April 8, 2009
Waiting. It’s never easy to wait. It’s not natural to me, even though some may think I’m good at it. But I’m really not good at it,... once I lose sight of God. I’m actually one who can get quite quietly anxious over things. “Quietly” because that is my nature; “Anxious” because that is my heart. And so I plod along in life and trust God, but once in a while, I feel an uncomfortable flutter in me. A “je ne sais quoi.” And I know I have lost sight of my God.
Well, waiting… for life to happen… for my next step… for an email or a phone call… waiting. And sometimes, I flutter, like tonight. I know that waiting happens. And that God’s timing is good. I know it full well, especially in light of all that has happened in this past half year. Yet I am so forgetful, and easily let “wait” turn into “anxious”… and a listlessness… and a drifting.
December 2008
And just like that, school is over. 20+ years. It just happened. Life happens. We make our plans and move through them, and then changes come our way. And perhaps we need to make adjustments and perhaps things aren't as clear as we'd like. That is life, and life happens. I want to be where things are happening… that is, life.
January 2009
Sometimes I feel pressure…
… to explain what I’m doing next with my life… have I found a job? When will I find a job? What will I do? Well, I haven't, and I don’t really know. But I will wait because I’ve waited before and God has answered each time.
… to explain what I do all day… compared to what I did everyday not even 1 month ago? Actually, right now, not much at all... but I will be thankful that God has given this time of retreat. It’s not always easy to let go of all that “doing”.
… to explain the point of our whole move… I could have lived comfortably without the change. In some ways, I think I’ve “given up” much of who I am/was (a forever teacher with the TDSB, a forever member of NYCBC, a comfortable Chinese Canadian) for this move. But it’s about life and opportunity. Life is short, and learning is much. And so we’ll see what God has in store for us!
